The new Challenge is now posted at Dirty Scraps. This one really got me to dig deep. Probably deeper than I ever have before and I know it's a lot to take in all at once, but it is my life. Or rather it was a part of my life that helped form me into the person I now am today. I am putting this all out there for the sheer fact that I want it to be known that one can overcome their past and create something better for themselves if they have the courage, the will power, and most of all the heart to want something more.
Dirty Scraps Challenge #4:In Your Eyes-
When I talk to the people I love or friends I often ask myself "Who are they looking at? What glasses are they using?" It's amazing how much less/more critical we would be on ourselves if we saw what others saw. So this challenge is to Scrap a page through someone else's eyes. Either how someone see YOU (ask them or journal words they have used before) Or scrap a page about how you see someone else. I mean how you REALLY see them. Why they see you that way? Why you see them that way? Think about it and reflect, it might give you some new insight or even compassion (for others or yourself).
Now go get dirty!
I chose to scrap this page about how I see my father. Now don't get me wrong, I do love the man...he is my father and it's a love that most of the time I do not understand myself, but I have only wanted more for the man than he has given himself.
Dear Father…my dad…the man I am supposed to look up to, the man I am supposed to come to with my problems, the man who is supposed to make my life better with wise gentle words and daddy hugs. We all know that Daddy hugs make everything better in life. At least that’s what my own children tell me. But I will never know that for myself, will I? I do look up to you dad but not in the way a daughter should. I look up to you as an example. An example of what not to do and of whom not to be. You impacted my life on so many levels with your harsh words, your brass personality, your seemingly common failures, and your abandonment. I will never in my life allow something to control my life like you have. I will never allow a drink to be more important to myself than my very own children. A six pack of beer or dinner for my family?! Are you freaking kidding me? For most people it would be a very easy question to answer, but I guess for you it was too….you always chose that damn beer. You say you have your reasons for drinking, well dad your reasons for drinking are the same as my reasons for sitting on a toilet….SHIT. As I was growing up I tried to put on my daddy blinders and pretend that everything was ok, life was normal, and I always had the help of my big brother to make me happy, to make all of us kids happy. He is only one year older than I am and was more of a father to me than you have or will ever be. Who was around to build the tree houses, to hang a ghetto rigged basketball hoop, to push us on the swing he made. Who was it that rode his bicycle to the store to get food, who went to work at the age of 15 so he could pay our rent, who loved his family that much to sacrificed being a normal child himself?! It sure the hell wasn’t you. You were too busy sitting back nursing your beer and wondering why your family was so mean to you. We were your pretty little trophies that you liked to show off whenever we went anywhere and if we ever spoke out of place we knew that we would get the belt when we got home. Sure we were pretty little kids, but we lived in fear. Fear that if we did anything to upset ‘dear old dad’ that we would get it. When we were older and able to stick up for ourselves better you resorted to not spanking us, but verbal abuse. Which in my opinion is much worse. You made your daughters feel like the worst girls in the world…why? Because we were getting older and we were dating. You hated that. You called me every single name in the vulgar dictionary. And you wondered why at the age of 16 I was gone. I couldn’t deal with you any longer. You are my worst nightmare, and probably always will be. I know what a father should be; my children have experienced that for themselves because they have a wonderful father who loves them unconditionally. A father that you hate of course. I just want you to know dad, that you hurt people. You hurt me, and you are now hurting your grandchildren. But the saddest part of it all is the fact that you have hurt yourself the most because you will never experience the love a father should, and that is truly a disservice unto yourself. The one good thing I did learn from you was to find something you love and never let go of it. For you it was your alcohol, and for me it is life. My life, my children, myself. So thank you for that. Good Bye ‘Dad’.